I Am Alive

“If you’re not feeling emotions you’re not truly living.”

I remember offering that advice to someone not too long ago. It rolled right off my tongue like so many other nuggets of wisdom do. I try to use my age and experience to help others around me. That doesn’t keep me from being hypocritical in that advice.

I told her that life is about all of the emotions; happiness, joy, ecstasy, pain, anger, betrayal and rage. If you’re not willing to experience all of them then you’re not truly alive.

The people that know me best also know that these are the things that I am least likely to do. I have been closed off for years; the end result of trusting one too many women who didn’t deserve it, of experiencing loss but never allowing myself to feel it, of being full of rage but stifling the anger to always be in control. I’d become automated emotionally. Perhaps machinated would be a better word.

I realized that I was a hypocrite and it was I who was closed off and emotionally unavailable.

I was the one who was not alive.

How is it that people did not see this? I have been with far too many friends and lovers for this lack of emotional investment to go unnoticed. The empty embraces, the kisses that don’t touch your soul, the hollow “I love you’s” uttered in the dark and the mindless fucking. Worse, why hadn’t anyone pointed this out to me?

I pondered this quietly in my own mind and I had no answer. The fact remained that I was dead inside.

I came out to the desert southwest more than a year ago to find myself. A spiritual journey to become one with the awe-inspiring mountains and flaming sunsets had come to yield the inner-peace I sought but had done nothing to light the fire in my soul. The fire the long-term friends would remember and the drive behind the dreamer who believed in global change.

Depressing to think about, isn’t it? I was giving advice to someone that I couldn’t grasp myself. The hypocrisy was laughable.

Something was about to change.

Spending time with the student caused a role reversal. While she opened herself up to life she unknowingly taught me to do the same. The teacher became the student.

It started with releasing rage. The same rage that had been boiling just beneath the surface for so many years started to boil to the surface. We harnessed this rage and used it in a “productive” manner. With each blow I delivered, another piece of the wall I had insulated myself with would crack and crumble. I kept things as controlled as possible – I feared what could happen if I let loose with the full fury of what was just under the surface.

As I allowed rage to flow outward other emotions soon followed. Once I was done swinging in anger I allowed myself to feel joy and happiness. Even more amazing, I allowed someone to share those feelings with me. It was incredibly peaceful. The more I tapped into the rage and allowed it to flow freely the more I found other feelings tagging along. The more physical I became the more emotional I was and the more emotional I was the more enjoyable the physical aspect became as well.

I was alive again.

The more alive I felt the more I understood the advice I gave her wasn’t for her. It was my soul screaming at me. I had been ignoring my inner voice for so long I couldn’t hear it anymore. She unwittingly broke through the silence. Blow by blow, the sweet symphony of a hand exploding against flesh brought new life to the empty silence within.

I was full again.

Sadly, a rush of emotions is not easy to handle. I became completely unsure of everything. Like a teenager fumbling with a virgin’s bra clasp every time I experienced something. I was like a baby exploring everything for the first time. Except it wasn’t the first time and some emotions trigger memories. The painful memories that the walls were first built to defend against and the same memories that led to the bout with painkiller addiction because I didn’t want to feel anything ever again.

To be alive you have to let yourself feel the good and the bad. I embraced them all and trust me; I have felt the good and the bad. I have felt rage like I have never let come to the surface. I experienced happiness and ecstasy that I did not know could exist and wont soon forget. I tasted fear and pain and felt the sting of loss. Things I was not capable of a year ago.

Fast forward to this evening.

I pulled out of the lot at work with the sun setting for one last time. I took a familiar turn onto Speedway and took a route I had not taken since the last time she and I drove it. A familiar song was playing on the radio. I opened the sunroof and let myself feel the memories that are a result of associative learning, I warmly remember discussing the haunting sound of the guitar work in this song. I turned onto Swan and laughed to myself thinking about all of the drivers who had caught my wrath during the rush home to enjoy a lunchtime rendezvous. At one intersection with The Smiths playing I fondly remembered road head that was so good I could still feel it. The memories and emotions felt good tonight.

I caught the sun setting with the sky ablaze over the mountains. Through the tears I realized that this was the last drive on those roads and this may be the last amazing sunset I would see for a long time. In this moment of sadness I realized that Tucson had been exactly what I needed and I embraced the emotion and I realized that I was never the teacher. I was the student and will always love the teacher for providing the most important lesson that I couldn’t teach myself. She taught me something that I had long forgotten…

I am alive.