Dating and Irreverence.

Most people know that I’ve been single again for a few months after basically being off the market for a couple of years.

Naturally, I took some time to myself and reflected on the disaster that I had called a relationship. After a while I came to the same conclusion that everyone comes to, I am ready to look for something new.

After thinking long and hard about what I wanted, I decided the time was right to start moving.

There was just one problem. I don’t remember how.

This couldn’t be too hard, right?

I am a moderately attractive male in decent shape. I have a job, a car and don’t live with my parents. I am housebroken, give amazing back rubs, can go shoe shopping and can recognize a fresh haircut from 100 yards (having been married to a hairstylist aided in this skill). These things should make me somewhat marketable so finding a date shouldn’t be too hard, I imagined.

Everything works better with a plan – at least that’s what my advisor told me in college. Every PR campaign we came up with required a detailed planning synopsis. Dating is one of nature’s purest forms of PR so I started trying to develop a plan.

At that point I remembered that I was never good at the planning synopsis.

I talked to friends. They tend to be smarter than I am (usually). We created what was referred to as the “Dating Advisory Council.”

The council was created because of my previous dating disasters. It was decided that perhaps I was not a good enough judge of character so a three-member panel would help me select my dates. I guess I’m a bit naïve and believe what women tell me.

The council consisted of two women and one man. It was their duty to screen potential dates to make sure they had only the best intentions. All of the council members are good friends. The women have bullshit detectors built in. One has been called a bitch by most of the women that meet her. She was chomping at the bit to start talking to prospective dates. The assumption was if they survived her, they were definitely worth pursuing.

To this point the council has yet to interview a candidate.

I talked to other friends. I need to meet new people and the bar is not the place to meet someone that can honestly be referred to as “dating material.” My major requirements? That the women I would meet would be nice and genuine. Hot is naturally a plus.

This culminated in an evening where a friend introduced me to people and included statements such as “She is single, and a brunette. I know you like brunettes.”

For the record, I am an equal opportunity employer. It just happens that most of the women I have dated were redheads, followed by brunettes. I have never actually dated a blonde. I am not sure why. I want to be clear; I do not discriminate based on hair color.

I created a Facebook status to signal my intentions to the world.

“…now accepting applications for female companionship due to an increase in social event invitations. The position will initially be part-time but may be eligible for an increase to full-time status with benefits dependent upon performance. For more information inquire within.”

I have had to explain that the “benefits” part has nothing to do with sex, unless you view that as a benefit. The word “benefits” was intended to imply dinners, movies, excursions and the like.

I can assure you that line did not work.

I thought maybe I should try something else.

I looked at Match.com to see what online dating included. The first thing I noticed was that I knew people on the site. I checked out their profiles to see what people put out there as they set out to sell themselves to the date seeking public.

Online dating profiles are really a lot of fun to look at. It is amazing how many people can’t spell or use something even remotely close to the English language.

You have a few short paragraphs to tell me why I should consider contacting you. Showing me that you lack the intelligence to know the difference between their, there and they’re isn’t going to get the job done.

Of course, the idea of false advertising and complete exaggeration creeps into my mind too.

Then there are the people trying to find a date by using one really terrible photo. It made me wonder what these people are thinking. Did anyone tell them that this photo can make or break their success?

The photo with three drunk girls at a bar is great, but maybe you should tell me which one of them you are. For all I know this could be a package deal.

Then they want me to pay for this service. Okay, let me get this straight. I give you a pile of money and you make me no real guarantee of anything?

I start thinking I could do better at a bar. A few Captain and Cokes cost far less than this website does and my guarantee of meeting someone is about equal, right?

A few friends drag me completely out of my box and into social settings. I start wondering if they are feeling bad for me

I do meet new people. It would appear that most of these people are exactly what I am looking for. Nice and genuine people with no hidden agenda.

Things still get complicated.

I’ve been off the market and out of the scene for so long that I have no idea what today’s statements mean.

What is the difference between going out and hanging out? They seem to be used interchangeably but that clarifies nothing.

Where did I leave my training wheels?

At the end of the day, I don’t feel like all of the dating education I have received is really helping me. I feel just as lost as I did months ago, maybe more.

When did it get so hard to meet someone to go out and do things with?

There should be an idiot’s guide to dating. Okay, maybe just one for blonde guys like me.

Maybe it would just be easier if I waited for girls to chase me. Something tells me that plan won’t work well either.

Anyone have a better plan?

Bad days, Religion and Random Thoughts

We all have bad days from time to time. We tend to bitch and moan about the terrible things that happened during our day.

We use phrases like “FML”, “My life sucks” and “things couldn’t get any worse” without thinking about the fact that we don’t have it so bad.

The next time you’re having a bad day, stop for a moment and be thankful for your “bad day.”

Somewhere tonight, someone’s loved one didn’t come home and they never will.

Someone got out of bed this morning feeling fine and didn’t make it to see the sun set.

Someone went for a doctor’s appointment to get a cough checked out and left the office knowing they would die.

Someone kissed his or her husband or wife or child goodbye for the day only to later learn it was forever.

Your day really wasn’t so bad now, was it?

Sometimes we all lose perspective on things. If we keep things in perspective, life is never all that bad.

New lessons from new people.

Quite a few new people have wandered into my life in the past few months. I don’t believe this is entirely random or for chance.

I reconnected with an old friend. We have talked a lot since January. We talked about toxic relationships and cutting the toxic people from our lives. I told her that I needed to meet some nice and genuine people.

She has succeeded at introducing me to people that are much better to have in my life. The people I have met are positive, morally sound and fun.

I have started to remember what life is supposed to be like and what fun really is. I know what I want out of life and I know what I deserve.

I will not settle for less.

Religion visits Irreverence.

An interesting observation I have on many of the new people I have started associating with.

Many of these people have strong religious convictions. They are not all of the same religion but many of them find strength in their faith. Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Buddhist and Muslim the religion doesn’t matter, the person does.

I find peace in talking to them and find religion not to be the purported “off-limits” topic so many people claim it to be.

The last religious person I tried to be friends with turned out to be a toxin of the worst kind; a preacher’s kid whose negativity was dragging me right down along with them. I turned to this person for advice on matters that I was incapable of solving on my own, for spiritual guidance at a time of need. This person became hypocritical and refused to help.

I cut that toxic relationship off immediately.

I took that experience and others before it and again decided religion was for superstitious old ladies, as Clint Eastwood said in Gran Torino.

I may be wrong. I can admit that. It works for the people I am meeting. I am not saying I am going to start being religious or going to church or anything like that. I am just going to keep a more open mind and listen more to what these people have to say.

It can’t hurt, right?

Random personal thoughts

I can’t believe how tired I have been. Once I catch up on my sleep I plan on reentering the social world. I only have two more days of work before my next day off. I need a break.

I think it is time to reenter the dating world too. I use my schedule as an excuse not to date. I need to stop doing that. Just because one person wouldn’t make time and would never have been willing to work around my schedule does not mean that everyone is like that.

It is time to stop letting those old excuses affect the present and future. I need to be willing to let someone prove that experience was the exception and not the rule.

This means that I am again willing to take a chance. Let’s do this one more time. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

I will never know if I don’t get off my ass and take a chance.

Squirrels in her hair and other insanity.

They say that kids say the darndest things and for as cliché as that is, I found it to be true today. The imagination of my six-year-old daughter proves this more true than ever.

I was combing her hair this morning before I took her to school and her hair was terribly tangled. I asked her how her hair got so tangled and her answer left me rolling on the floor.

She told me that squirrels snuck into my house while we were sleeping. They played in her hair she told me. She stated that they used their tiny hands and feet to make her hair crazy.

I asked her if she was sure it was squirrels.

“Yes, daddy, it was squirrels,” she said. “It was not chipmunks. It was squirrels.”

I had no idea how to respond to this. She said all of this with the most serious look on her face. I couldn’t laugh at her. I didn’t want to make it sound like I didn’t believe her, even though I knew this was not true.

I asked her where the squirrels went. She told me they snuck out before we woke up. She said they were nice squirrels. She reiterated that they were squirrels and not chipmunks.

I think the chipmunk thing comes from her watching too much Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakuel.

My daughter’s craziness was just a foreshadowing of the day to come.

My insane work day.

The conversations at work today were insane. Purely insane.

One of the guys went on a tangent about GILFs. I know what you’re asking. What’s a GILF? It is like a MILF only instead of a mom, it is a grandma.

I couldn’t find any fallacy in the logic. The argument was with so many girls having children young that it is possible for a grandma to be in her late 30’s or early 40’s.

Call me shallow, but I can’t get into the grandma fetish. It just isn’t my thing.

We had a serious talk today about testing pepper spray on some of our subordinates.

I asked a friend who works in law enforcement about the hazards of pepper spraying a coworker. After some serious discussion with her we determined that pepper-spraying subordinates might qualify us as shittiest bosses ever.

Besides, how would we get the pink UV dye off of the kids?

I had to drive a Honda minivan today. I felt like I was less of a man just for having driven one. My nightmare got worse. The next car I had to drive was a PT Cruiser.

I was emasculated by fate today. I was scared to death that someone I knew might see me driving said vehicle. How on earth would I explain that one? I am still looking for my balls, in case you were curious.

Still tired.

One day off didn’t make up for it. I am still dragging ass. I fell asleep while writing this Friday night. I had to finish Saturday morning. I will be caught up on sleep soon enough. I get to sleep in on Tuesday.

Technological win.

I finally figured out how to set this blog up to automatically publish a feed to my Twitter account (it too is named IrreverentChad). For me, that is a major technological win. I learn something new everyday.

Chad the Irreverent zombie.

Okay, I’m tired.

That may actually be an understatement.

I haven’t actually had a day off since the store was closed on Easter. I have had days “off” but end up working on those days anyway.

By the time I leave work tomorrow I will have worked between 110 and 120 hours in the last two weeks.

Like I said, I am tired.

My boss told me not to come in before noon tomorrow. I guess I will try to listen. I can’t make a rational argument against it.

I can’t make a rational argument about anything any more.

I am still functional as a human but am not capable of higher-level function any longer.

I can barely hold an intelligent conversation. I fall asleep while writing. I am losing touch with people. I can’t remember who I have talked to today, yesterday or last week. I don’t even think I could flirt with anyone and that is instinctual for me.

Let me explain it in a manner anyone could understand.

I forgot to buy donuts today.

It is partially self-inflicted. Far too many nights of staying up and trying to have some form of a life followed by far too many mornings waking up at 0530.

Apparently, even I have my limits and I have found them this week.

It gets worse with each day. Each day I am a little more tired and a little less able to function socially. My conversational skills have regressed to that of a kindergartener. If I could steal the “poke” from Facebook I would be using it in real life right now. You don’t need intelligence to poke someone.

I feel as if my brain has turned to some kind of mush. Maybe something like Jello.

I apologize to anyone that has attempted to communicate in the last few days. What can I say?

I’m tired.

I am glad tomorrow is the last day. I look forward to sleeping in Thursday.

Missing the LBC.

Every year, around this time, I take a trip back to my hometown. Long Beach, California is where I was born and raised. The LBC may be famous for a lot of things, but in my world it is most famous for hosting the longest running and most successful street race in America.

Every year the open wheeled Indy Cars take to the city’s streets and roar down the concrete canyons at nearly 200 miles per hour.

This is heaven to me.

I grew up with this as a regular part of my life. I had the opportunity to see, meet and talk to the drivers that most people only saw on television. As I got older I started working at the race. Little odd jobs but I sure felt like I was an important part of the race weekend.

For the last few years I have worked in the media center with the director of communications and an amazing group of volunteers doing whatever crazy or odd jobs we were tasked to make sure things ran smoothly.

The entire weekend is scheduled down to the minute and every morning you grab a copy of the “minute by minute” schedule to make sure you are doing what needs to be done precisely when it needs to be done. Days often start at 0400 and run until 2100. By the time the race is over on Sunday everyone is exhausted.

Yes, I think it is fun. I even take vacation time to do it. Most people don’t understand it, but it truly is fun.

Last year I worked as a pit reporter for the IndyCar series in Long Beach. Every year on Friday I assist in giving tours to a class of grade school kids in the morning and inner city high school kids in the afternoon. I have helped with set up and tear down of press conferences, taken VIPs to victory circle to join in the festivities, helped with pre race grid events, staffed the turn one photo tower, hauled whiny journalists around in golf carts and brought race winners into the media room from victory circle via golf cart.

The best part about the Grand Prix is the friends you make behind the scenes. I have met some amazing people and become good friends with some of them. They are from all walks of life, old, young, male and female.

What I am going to miss most this year are those friends.

I don’t know why fate chose to keep me in Minnesota this weekend but I am sure fate has a plan. I hope it is something damn good because I only get to see these friends once a year.

Addicted.

I have always loved this song. I heard it on my iPod this morning and felt like sharing. This live version is by far my favorite version.

My new friends, the deer.

First, I need to get something off my chest. I have been having somewhat regular irregular heartbeats tonight. I haven’t had them in a while. These are strong enough that I feel them. They used to panic me. I am not worried (much) because if they had been bad enough for long enough my device would have delivered “therapy.” I am relatively sure that I didn’t receive any shock therapy.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled insanity…

I have had a couple of visitors the last couple of days. My visitors have not been of the human variety but the critter type, a pair of deer to be more specific. I first noticed them yesterday while outside for a “breath of fresh air.” They were close. I sat there and smoked my cigarette and they didn’t run off. I summoned my brother and he came out and observed them as well. When they didn’t run off I decided I wanted to get a closer look.

I approached the deer, slowly and quietly at first, hoping not to startle them. I stepped on some twigs and they cracked loudly. The deer did not move. They looked directly at me but did not move. One of them returned to grazing and the other stared at me. I continued approaching them. When I finally stopped I was no more than 10 feet away from them. It was very cool. I remember thinking how these deer were stupid. They should be scared of people and should run because people will hurt them.

The deer were back this morning. I sat on my front step and watched them for a bit before getting about my morning activities. I spotted them again in the early afternoon. They were surrounded by geese this time but grazing again. Maybe they like my grass. Tonight they returned. I thought this to be very odd but still cool.

I decided my new friends, the deer, deserved a Facebook status. I wrote about them not being spooked by me and didn’t think much of it. A friend commented about Native American animal totems and that deer were symbolic of starting a new adventure.

I have to admit I know nothing about Native American culture or tradition. Anyone that knows me will know that I immediately started researching it to see what I could learn. I learned about the Native American zodiac, animal totems, messenger totems and so much more.

I learned that, as my friend stated, messenger totems should not be ignored. The deer are here to send me a message, according to Native American beliefs. Deer can represent compassion, peace, intellect, gentle, caring, kind, subtlety, gracefulness, femininity, gentleness, innocence, and seller of adventure.

The fact that the deer keep appearing and are not scared of me is intriguing. Part of me pictures those videos on YouTube where you see people attacked by wild animals. I keep waiting for the deer to decide they want a piece of me and charging. Death by hoof doesn’t seem very pleasant. The deer are peaceful visitors and I enjoy having them here. I hope they are there in the morning. I’d love for my kid to see them too.

I looked deeper into totems and learned that in the Native American zodiac, my birth totem is the snake. There is a lot of information to read about birth totems and I read with deep interest as I discovered that the information almost seemed to fit me perfectly.

Below is the information I found, copied from another website.

Native American Astrology - Birth Totem Snake

• Birth and animal totem: Snake (October 23rd - November 22nd).
• Moon: Cold winds moon.
• Season Aspect: The frosting time.
• Wind Relation: West winds.
• Directional Relation: West.
• Element Relation: Water.
• Elemental clan: Frog Clan.
• Plant totem: Mums.
• Mineral totem: Amethyst.
• Color Aspect: Lavender.
• Personality: Impulsive, ambitious.
• Spiritual energy: Masculine energy.
• Emotions: Hidden, keeping things inside.
• Positive traits: Discerning and imaginative.
• Negative traits: Stubborn, mistrustful, often stubborn.
• Conscious Desire: Acceptance.
• Subconscious desire: Spiritual balance.
• Spiritual Path: Expressing inner intuition.
• Strengths: Creativity, ability to change and sensitive to others.
• Weakness: Egotistical, often aloof and distant.
• Keywords: Intense, Regenerative, Penetrating, Passionate, Scornful.

Birth totem snake is an individual whose outer personality is driven by desires of both the physical body and the emotional heart. In nature, the snake is in a constant state of transformation, regeneration and renewal as he sheds his old skin, revealing a healthy, new skin to begin the next cycle of his life. Like their birth totem, individuals born under the totem of snake are souls compelled toward continual evolution and transformation, driven to discard the past and emerge with the new "flesh" and sight of the dawn now before them.

Yet the process is often a challenging one as in order to step into the brilliant light of self acknowledgment, these individuals must first face, and then release, the painful moments of their past. Many such lessons for birth totem snake, will come in the guise of physical desires as they are very sensual individuals that consciously seek to bond with another on a physical level. These strong urges can be nearly overwhelming at times and may often lead one who has not integrated the physical self to the spiritual, mental and emotional, into painful situations in which they may either unintentionally hurt another, or become hurt themselves.

The reason for this often is because there is a deeper calling that arises from the soul of birth totem snake, the call to spiritual union with another. Yet this call, when one is operating from personality, is heard as a call to join only in physical union. Those times when the snake individual joins with another in an act of physical passion, yet the spiritual union is not achieved, is ultimately left with a sense of dissatisfaction. Whether verbally expressed to their partner or not, this dissatisfaction may ultimately lead to one or both partners becoming disillusioned and wanting "more" from the relationship. When birth totem snake individual can understand the motives of the higher self and can attain true integration between the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental self, then the motive of the higher self for spiritual union will ultimately be attained, both in terms of union with the self, and the union with another.

I am not a great judge of myself but other people are. There are at least two people who read this that know me very well. Perhaps they know me better than I know myself. You know who you are.

Text me and tell me whether you think this is spot on or not. The bullet points really grabbed my attention. You guys would know why.

I think I want to learn more about Native American culture and spirituality. This is all very intriguing to me. Maybe I can find some answers in an unexpected place.

In the mean time I am listening to my new friends, the deer. I am always up for an adventure or journey, whether it is down a new path or a familiar trail.

I hope they come back in the morning. I am beginning to grow fond of them.

An addition to the Bucket List

I'd like to add this as Number 30 on my bucket list. It might kill me, but Damn does it look fun.

Bucket List Version 2.0

I think it is natural to think about the things you haven’t accomplished yet when reminded how short life is. Our time here is finite and we have no control over when that last grain of sand runs through the hourglass of life.

Recent events in other people’s lives have reminded me of my own list of things to do. I started this list last year after my mom died. Some of it will require further explanation and I will do that. I am referring to this list as “version 2.0” since it has changed a bit from inception.

Some people are familiar with different parts of the list. I don’t think anyone other than me knows it in its entirety. This list is by no means all-inclusive. Some things on the list I have done and want to do again. Others I have never done.

1) Drive Highway 61 from Minnesota to Louisiana.
2) Drive from Louisiana to my Dad’s house in California.
3) Drive from California to Alaska.
4) Drive from Alaska to Minnesota making sure to go through North Dakota.
5) Visit every state west of the Mississippi River that I have not been to yet.
6) Visit the Grand Canyon. Trek to the canyon floor.
7) Go to Yellowstone. Spend time seeing the sights.
8) See (and touch) a volcano.
9) See (and touch) a glacier.
10) A romantic dinner at Mancini’s.
11) The beach at sunset.
12) Surfing at Huntington Beach.
13) Hosting one of those fancy dinner parties.
14) Hosting a less formal party.
15) Learn to ice skate.
16) Go to a hockey game.
17) Go to Lambeau Field.
18) See that cherry on a spoon sculpture in person.
19) Get a tour of the Capitol (Dome too).
20) Drive an open wheel car.
21) Take a hot lap at Laguna Seca in a car that can handle it.
22) Get married. (In a more permanent manner this time).
23) Learn to play guitar. (I’m still not good so it still counts).
24) Relive the night/morning of the “free one.” There will be no explanation of this.
25) Go to Nashville. I loved that place.
26) Attend the Indy 500.
27) Go to a movie at a drive-in. Preferably with a hottie. :)
28) Return to Germany. See the stuff I missed the last time.
29) Concerts – The list is long. Some I have seen, others I have not.

I realize the list is long. I have left a lot of things off the list. I have other lists. Things I have stated I will do with specific people. Some things on this list may be things from their lists. It is my bucket list. I will put on it what I want.

Now for some explanations.

Items 1-4 were a part of my long fabled “Lap of America.” I was going to do that last summer. My ex-wife threw a monkey wrench in that plan. My boss had agreed to give me the time off to do it. A friend thought it was crazy, called it “gallivanting around the countryside.” Item 5 would have been covered by my route (except Hawaii). I think I could have managed 6, 8 and 9 as well.

Numbers 11 and 12 are things I have done before. I grew up there. I want to do it one more time. I am sure I would not surf well. It has been a long time. I still want to do it.

Lucky number 13. It is a little odd, but just something I want to do. Have friends over, everyone dressed up for some fancy dinner with wine. I see it on tv and in the movies. I’m not sure why, but I want to do it.

Number 19 is funny. I have been to the Capitol. I worked for a Member. I could not get into the building. I was denied my tour. It has been on the list ever since.

I loved Nashville so number 25 shouldn’t be a surprise. Very special memories. Where else can you see Shania Twain on a street corner in sweat pants? The hotel was incredible too. My room had a view of Honky Tonk row. The place had these glass elevators. I love those elevators to this day.

Germany. I lived there for two years. I spent most of that time drunk. Very drunk. I missed a lot of stuff. Didn’t have reason to do some of it. Some I was just too young to appreciate. I really want to go back. That explains number 28.

Finally, concerts at 29. There are so many great acts that I would like to see one more time. U2 tops the list. I tried to make plans to see them with someone but was shot down. My surgery would have complicated those plans anyway. I still want to see them again. Brad Paisley. I love his music. Another concert that I wanted to attend but things fell apart. Darius Rucker. I have seen him and really liked it. The same goes for Zac Brown Band. Lady Antebellum is high on the list. I have never seen them but want to badly. Tim McGraw. I saw him with my mom before she died. Restless Heart. I have wanted to see them for years. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Laugh at my list. I did.

Now I think I should get back to crossing shit off of it.

What’s next…

Random thoughts from my random mind

Have you ever sat back and started thinking about some of the things you have done?

I’ve been thinking quite a bit recently. Someday we should have an open and honest conversation about it all. I keep a lot of what I do to myself. I find it hard to admit to myself what I do sometimes.

I should do a better job of documenting everything. It all starts to blur together. Stories like “The cop and my donut” happen every day. I start thinking many of them to be unremarkable because they are so common.

There was the trip to the bar where I had so many people in my car that one person rode in the trunk. He had a beer with him. He drank the beer, while in the trunk, without spilling it. That feat is more remarkable because I drove down back roads getting directions from inebriated passengers. Sudden turns and stops were common during this drive. Still impressed that he didn’t spill the beer.

The night at a bar where a former co-worker decided to “get his groove on” with an older woman with rotted teeth. She looked a bit like a hobbit. He was grinding against this troll and started making out with her. A group of us almost died laughing.

One night I had a ride home from the bar and, like a dumb ass, drove myself anyway.

An unforgettable evening led to what I refer to as the night I was “tiger drunk.” I fell both up and down the stairs that night. I woke up on the floor in the hallway with a pillow and blanket from my kid’s bed. I wasn’t sure how I got home. I could suddenly speak Cambodian. I was pretty sure I saw a tiger in the bathroom.

I can still put together quite a few phrases in Cambodian. Somali now too. Most of them are not things I should say in public.

I started writing a short story. It turned into a chapter. Rather than writing a book I stopped.

I picked up my guitar again. I have started to succeed where I failed before. Keith Urban still pisses me off. Why does he have to be so good and why are his songs so damn hard?

I have gone to bed at 8 p.m. and didn’t feel guilty. I have gone to bed after 5 a.m. and still made it to work before 8 a.m.

I raced a Mercedes. In a Saturn. He might have had me in a straight line, but I gapped him through the corners. I love the curves. Especially the good ones.


I have faced impossible odds. I was a mass communication major. I suck with numbers. The odds may say it is impossible. I don’t understand odds. See this finger? I will win. Bet on the underdog. I do.

I will not take your shit. Don’t believe me? Ask those that are no longer part of my life. Life is too short to deal with bullshit.

I have lost and found self-confidence. I am good and I know it. You are lucky to know me and count yourself among my friends. Not sure about that? Ask me – I will tell you.

I know what I want. I am stubborn. Just because there is a wall in front of me that I run into and bloody my face does not mean I will stop trying to get through that wall. I am blonde and thickheaded. Beating my head against a wall will not hurt my head nor damage my brain. Don’t believe me? Refer to the blonde, stubborn and thickheaded comment above.

I will not quit. Nobody likes a quitter. I have heard that my whole life. Suddenly people want me to become one. Make up your fucking minds already. Should people be quitters or not?

I believe all pitchers should have to stand in the batters box. The DH is for pussies.

Brett Favre is a traitor. I don’t care if the Packers cast him off. He is still a traitor.

Sleeping alone sucks. Sleeping with the wrong person sucks worse. Sleeping with stuffed animals? Maybe I need help…

While I was dating her, I referred to thorough cleaning as “Heather-proofing” my place. What do I call it now? Since we’re broke up does my being here make it “Heather-proof?”

NASCAR is for illiterate race fans. The intelligent fans prefer cars that go left AND right.

Michael Schumacher is almost constantly two-tenths of a second slower than his teammate. Can one of the greatest drivers of all-time really have gotten old and turned into a wanker?

I believe Ayrton Senna was better than Schumacher. RIP Ayrton.

Does my device make me the bionic man?

No, I’m not dating anyone. Why is everyone so worried about that? I know how long it has been, thanks for reminding me. I am not going to settle. I know what I want. Quit trying to force shit on me.

I don’t care what the doctors have said. Cigarettes, Monster drinks, alcohol and triple cheeseburgers will not kill me. Genetics are causing my septum to get thicker. Quitting all of those things would not change my DNA. Stop telling me how to live my life. Try helping me enjoy it instead.

Why do they say the third time is the charm? What is the second time? Or the fourth?

Totally random, I know. Just how I am tonight. I needed a break from my bucket list. Maybe that will be ready tomorrow…

The Cop and my Donut.

It was a typical Friday morning at work. I brought in a few donuts (chocolate covered with rainbow sprinkles, if you must know). I love my morning donuts and I am sure my ass is beginning to show it.

The GM and another manager had some errands to run and had just walked out of the store when something out of the ordinary happened.

A cop came in. Rochester’s finest.

He had a few questions about a car we had detailed and returned to a dealership a day prior. Not just any car, but a fast and overpriced Dodge Daytona. Apparently the car was stolen from that dealership Thursday night or Friday morning.

I called my boss and asked him to return to the store. The cop wanted to ask him some questions about the lines of custody of the vehicle, who had been in the vehicle, etc.

He didn’t believe me about a cop being there. Once in the facility he believed me.

The boss and the cop went into our office to discuss the matter.

It was then that a horrific thought crossed my mind.

My donut was still in the office!

I just knew that cop was going to steal my donut. No cop can resist the creamy chocolate frosting or rainbow sprinkles – it is like crack for law enforcement.

I tapped the other manager on the arm and said aloud, “He better not steal my fucking donut!”

He burst out laughing and we both updated our Facebook statuses. This was too funny a moment not to document.

I stood vigilantly outside the office not letting my donut out of my sight. The cop was sitting with it less than six inches from his hand.

After what seemed like an eternity, that donut-thieving cop got up and left. He had not molested my donut. I quickly ate in it in case he returned. He wasn’t getting a second chance at my sugary bliss.

A funny footnote to the story.

The car has since been recovered. The retards who stole it used it to rob a bank in the Twin Cities suburb of Maplewood. While getting away with their proceeds the dye pack exploded on them. While driving this bright yellow stolen Daytona with an exploded dye pack covering them, their clothing and the interior of the car a cop spotted them. They were pulled over and arrested. Good job cops!

Now stay away from my fucking donuts.

Disclaimer

Irreverent is defined as lacking proper respect or seriousness.

Those that know me well know that this word fits me to a tee. There is irreverent humor in most things I do. This is the place for it.

Here is the standard disclaimer about forthcoming content.

I mean no disrespect to those who grace the pages of this place. I make no claim to have any journalistic integrity here whatsoever. I present one side of a story. Any story involving other people naturally has at least two sides. I am biased towards myself. If you don’t like that, tough shit. No one is making you read this.

From time to time I will be serious. I need to get shit out of my head. I may just bitch incessantly about the weather, about other people or about who won Sunday’s race. I may tell dirty jokes or inappropriate stories. I might reflect on life or plan my next adventure. If you don’t care, kiss my ass.

How is that for a disclaimer/warning?