Time

Our society would find itself completely useless without time. Everything we do revolves around it – when we go to bed, when we go to work or school, when we go to a store for basic supplies – nothing is possible without qualifying a time around it.

Time isn’t just limited to a measurement on a clock. Minutes and hours add up to days, months and years. Time can drag on or it can pass by in the blink of an eye and often times it does both at the same time without any of us realizing what has happened.

The last year in the desert has been one of the longest years of my life but it ended all too soon.

I know, sometimes I am a conflict to my own argument.

Since my recent epiphany with feelings they are still bombarding me. Some of the things that were exposed are still like open and raw nerves stinging in the open air.

Christmas reminds me that we are rapidly approaching the fifth anniversary of my mother’s death. It seems like only yesterday that we were coping with the aftermath of that loss. Those years seem to have passed by in a nanosecond.

Somewhere in time, after that loss, I lost myself. I went from the person who dove into things; devil may care, with my heart on my sleeve. I learned to guard myself, maybe too well, after she died.

I used to be a decent writer. The thing that made me a good writer was the emotion in the words. For years I claimed that I lost my mojo and couldn’t write anymore. I am only now realizing that I never lost my mojo. I simply closed off my heart and soul and empty words have no feeling and can’t make the readers lose themselves in a page. I couldn’t be open anymore and the ability to write died a slow and agonizing death.

The other victim in all of this was a phrase I tried to live by in the immediate aftermath of her death.

Never leave something for tomorrow because tomorrow may never come.

I stopped worrying about time. There was always tomorrow. I can talk to that person tomorrow. I’ll answer that message tomorrow. I’ll tell that person how I feel tomorrow. I don’t want to do that today; we can do that next time.

Suddenly, you run out of tomorrows.

 With my mom, there was always something to do tomorrow. The list of things she wanted to see was exhaustive. She always said we would do that tomorrow or later. She died without doing many of the things she had wanted to do. I let her die without insisting we spend time doing those things she wanted to do. I swore that would never be me that I would never sit and say I wished I had done this or that. I would seize the day and live life to the fullest.

When I closed myself off I also closed myself to living life to the fullest.

Today is my last day in Tucson. I am sitting here thinking of things I didn’t do. Things I was going to do the next time I saw you. Things I could do tomorrow.

There are no more tomorrows.

I’ve been burned by time again. I forgot how fleeting it was. How life can pass you by in a moment if you allow it to.

Don’t make my mistakes. Learn from them. Allow yourself to live completely and enjoy the little things. Don’t live a life with regrets. Don’t regret the things you still have time to do. Make time and do them.

Before you run out of time and find yourself sitting alone in an empty room thinking about all of the things you wish you had done.