Naturally, I took some time to myself and reflected on the disaster that I had called a relationship. After a while I came to the same conclusion that everyone comes to, I am ready to look for something new.
After thinking long and hard about what I wanted, I decided the time was right to start moving.
There was just one problem. I don’t remember how.
This couldn’t be too hard, right?
I am a moderately attractive male in decent shape. I have a job, a car and don’t live with my parents. I am housebroken, give amazing back rubs, can go shoe shopping and can recognize a fresh haircut from 100 yards (having been married to a hairstylist aided in this skill). These things should make me somewhat marketable so finding a date shouldn’t be too hard, I imagined.
Everything works better with a plan – at least that’s what my advisor told me in college. Every PR campaign we came up with required a detailed planning synopsis. Dating is one of nature’s purest forms of PR so I started trying to develop a plan.
At that point I remembered that I was never good at the planning synopsis.
I talked to friends. They tend to be smarter than I am (usually). We created what was referred to as the “Dating Advisory Council.”
The council was created because of my previous dating disasters. It was decided that perhaps I was not a good enough judge of character so a three-member panel would help me select my dates. I guess I’m a bit naïve and believe what women tell me.
The council consisted of two women and one man. It was their duty to screen potential dates to make sure they had only the best intentions. All of the council members are good friends. The women have bullshit detectors built in. One has been called a bitch by most of the women that meet her. She was chomping at the bit to start talking to prospective dates. The assumption was if they survived her, they were definitely worth pursuing.
To this point the council has yet to interview a candidate.
I talked to other friends. I need to meet new people and the bar is not the place to meet someone that can honestly be referred to as “dating material.” My major requirements? That the women I would meet would be nice and genuine. Hot is naturally a plus.
This culminated in an evening where a friend introduced me to people and included statements such as “She is single, and a brunette. I know you like brunettes.”
For the record, I am an equal opportunity employer. It just happens that most of the women I have dated were redheads, followed by brunettes. I have never actually dated a blonde. I am not sure why. I want to be clear; I do not discriminate based on hair color.
I created a Facebook status to signal my intentions to the world.
“…now accepting applications for female companionship due to an increase in social event invitations. The position will initially be part-time but may be eligible for an increase to full-time status with benefits dependent upon performance. For more information inquire within.”
I have had to explain that the “benefits” part has nothing to do with sex, unless you view that as a benefit. The word “benefits” was intended to imply dinners, movies, excursions and the like.
I can assure you that line did not work.
I thought maybe I should try something else.
I looked at Match.com to see what online dating included. The first thing I noticed was that I knew people on the site. I checked out their profiles to see what people put out there as they set out to sell themselves to the date seeking public.
Online dating profiles are really a lot of fun to look at. It is amazing how many people can’t spell or use something even remotely close to the English language.
You have a few short paragraphs to tell me why I should consider contacting you. Showing me that you lack the intelligence to know the difference between their, there and they’re isn’t going to get the job done.
Of course, the idea of false advertising and complete exaggeration creeps into my mind too.
Then there are the people trying to find a date by using one really terrible photo. It made me wonder what these people are thinking. Did anyone tell them that this photo can make or break their success?
The photo with three drunk girls at a bar is great, but maybe you should tell me which one of them you are. For all I know this could be a package deal.
Then they want me to pay for this service. Okay, let me get this straight. I give you a pile of money and you make me no real guarantee of anything?
I start thinking I could do better at a bar. A few Captain and Cokes cost far less than this website does and my guarantee of meeting someone is about equal, right?
A few friends drag me completely out of my box and into social settings. I start wondering if they are feeling bad for me
I do meet new people. It would appear that most of these people are exactly what I am looking for. Nice and genuine people with no hidden agenda.
Things still get complicated.
I’ve been off the market and out of the scene for so long that I have no idea what today’s statements mean.
What is the difference between going out and hanging out? They seem to be used interchangeably but that clarifies nothing.
Where did I leave my training wheels?
At the end of the day, I don’t feel like all of the dating education I have received is really helping me. I feel just as lost as I did months ago, maybe more.
When did it get so hard to meet someone to go out and do things with?
There should be an idiot’s guide to dating. Okay, maybe just one for blonde guys like me.
Maybe it would just be easier if I waited for girls to chase me. Something tells me that plan won’t work well either.
Anyone have a better plan?
To this point the council has yet to interview a candidate.
I talked to other friends. I need to meet new people and the bar is not the place to meet someone that can honestly be referred to as “dating material.” My major requirements? That the women I would meet would be nice and genuine. Hot is naturally a plus.
This culminated in an evening where a friend introduced me to people and included statements such as “She is single, and a brunette. I know you like brunettes.”
For the record, I am an equal opportunity employer. It just happens that most of the women I have dated were redheads, followed by brunettes. I have never actually dated a blonde. I am not sure why. I want to be clear; I do not discriminate based on hair color.
I created a Facebook status to signal my intentions to the world.
“…now accepting applications for female companionship due to an increase in social event invitations. The position will initially be part-time but may be eligible for an increase to full-time status with benefits dependent upon performance. For more information inquire within.”
I have had to explain that the “benefits” part has nothing to do with sex, unless you view that as a benefit. The word “benefits” was intended to imply dinners, movies, excursions and the like.
I can assure you that line did not work.
I thought maybe I should try something else.
I looked at Match.com to see what online dating included. The first thing I noticed was that I knew people on the site. I checked out their profiles to see what people put out there as they set out to sell themselves to the date seeking public.
Online dating profiles are really a lot of fun to look at. It is amazing how many people can’t spell or use something even remotely close to the English language.
You have a few short paragraphs to tell me why I should consider contacting you. Showing me that you lack the intelligence to know the difference between their, there and they’re isn’t going to get the job done.
Of course, the idea of false advertising and complete exaggeration creeps into my mind too.
Then there are the people trying to find a date by using one really terrible photo. It made me wonder what these people are thinking. Did anyone tell them that this photo can make or break their success?
The photo with three drunk girls at a bar is great, but maybe you should tell me which one of them you are. For all I know this could be a package deal.
Then they want me to pay for this service. Okay, let me get this straight. I give you a pile of money and you make me no real guarantee of anything?
I start thinking I could do better at a bar. A few Captain and Cokes cost far less than this website does and my guarantee of meeting someone is about equal, right?
A few friends drag me completely out of my box and into social settings. I start wondering if they are feeling bad for me
I do meet new people. It would appear that most of these people are exactly what I am looking for. Nice and genuine people with no hidden agenda.
Things still get complicated.
I’ve been off the market and out of the scene for so long that I have no idea what today’s statements mean.
What is the difference between going out and hanging out? They seem to be used interchangeably but that clarifies nothing.
Where did I leave my training wheels?
At the end of the day, I don’t feel like all of the dating education I have received is really helping me. I feel just as lost as I did months ago, maybe more.
When did it get so hard to meet someone to go out and do things with?
There should be an idiot’s guide to dating. Okay, maybe just one for blonde guys like me.
Maybe it would just be easier if I waited for girls to chase me. Something tells me that plan won’t work well either.
Anyone have a better plan?
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